I miss my dad terribly and could not think of a better way to honor him this Father's Day than to tell our story. This has taken me some time to write (I started in March). It's a tearful journey. I debated on adding pictures. I decided that since my dad was a photographer, how could I not? I don't ever remember actually calling my dad, Dad. Unless I was referring to my dad, I always called my dad Papa. Truly, this is a tale about my Papa.
I cannot take credit for any of this tale. It was all tenderly orchestrated by our heavenly Father. His patience and love abound like no other. Full of forgiveness and love; just and righteous is He.
I was born to a military family. We lived in four states and two countries before I was nine. I'll be honest and say I don't remember a lot of my childhood. There were unpleasant things that happened. I'm not going to elaborate, just saying that it occurred. There were good times too, it wasn't all bad. My parents divorced when I was nine. I didn't have a good relationship with my dad. It was pretty much non-existent. Growing up basically without a dad. I spent many birthdays crying and disappointed that he didn't call. I always thought, "This time will be different." They never were. It was like my dad didn't put much effort toward me. Whatever the reason, that's how it was. I began to hate Father's Day; not much joy for someone with a deadbeat dad. I never actually hated my dad but resentment began to grow.
When I was 20 I became a Christian. That means that I believe I am a sinner. According to the Bible, sin has an eternal punishment of separation from God. I could not fix my sin problem on my own. Jesus died in my place to cleanse me from my sin. I also got married when I was 20. Since I didn't know my dad all that well, I had my mom walk me down the aisle. Why is my getting married relevant to this story? Well... Not too long after Dwayne and I were married, my dad started to call me more. I did not handle this well. Anxiety crept in every time he called. I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing. It was beginning to affect our marriage. Eventually, Dwayne came up with three options. I didn't like any of them. One, I could leave things as they were. No thanks. Two, I could tell my dad I didn't want to see him anymore. Cut ties and move on with my life. I couldn't do that either. That left me with choice number three: move beyond the past and start anew. Likewise, I wasn't really fond of this idea, but it seemed to be the best option. The real question was how was I going to go through with it? I mean the reality of it was far more difficult to carry out.
So I had made my decision and began to figure out how to live with it. As God worked it out, I was involved with my first bible study. This group of ladies was all wounded by abusive husbands. I was the only one who had a great husband, but I came from a broken home with similar issues. God did amazing work through His word and the fellowship of those ladies. I began to get to a point where I was OK with the connection my dad and I had at that time. Still not loving it but not hating it either. It wasn't easy, but the healing had begun.
Over the next several years our relationship grew. It was a slow growth. In the mean time Dwayne and I had moved two hours away. It was during this time that my dad and I began to talk more. We were getting to know each other. I also was growing more in my walk with God. I finally got to the point where I forgave my dad. I did not forget the past but completely forgave what happened. It was freeing for me and I haven't looked back. I'm so thankful for God's patience where I would have given up on my dad; God did not give up on me. I began to pray that I someday would have the opportunity to tell my dad that I forgave him.
The opportunity came (God is so good). I will never forget that day. My dad had called me at work. I don't remember why he called but I could tell from our conversation that my opportunity was now. (And I was praying like crazy.) I excused myself from my cubicle office to a conference room for some privacy. It was there that my dad began to be remorseful for his past behavior. Genuinely sorry for being a bad dad. Sorry for all the crummy stuff. Sorry for not being there. Everything. And that's when I told him that I had already forgiven him months ago. We both bawled our eyes out. It was awesome. From that day on we had a new relationship. Not perfect but it was new and fresh. Thank God for forgiveness and new beginnings!
We had a new start. It was good. Then in 2010, my step-mother died from cancer. Though we knew her death was coming, my dad was still devastated. It was difficult for him. I chose to walk with him through his grief as much as I could. It was then that we started talking regularly. We'd talk about anything and everything. He told the best stories. Stories from his military days and his extensive travelling around our great country. He had a dry sense of humor. He told some of the funniest Mexican jokes! He was goofy. He asked how I was doing. He was genuinely interested in what the family was up to. He would ask what we were having for dinner... and usually responded by calculating how much driving time it would take to get here from wherever he was in the country. I enjoyed our talks.
He frequently told me how proud he was of me, Dwayne and the boys. Proud of Dwayne for working on his associate degree in biblical studies. He was impressed that I learned to cook for Connor's food allergies. Proud that we were homeschooling. Telling us that we were doing a good job. He would ask what the boys were learning. He joked that he was our homeschool superintendent. He always told me he loved me. He hated the cell phone when it cut us off and then not have the opportunity to express his love. If we did get cut off, he always called back to say he loved me and then said good-bye until he had a better signal. Always. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he loved me.
Had I not forgiven my dad all those years ago, I would have missed out on so much. In the end, we were talking at least every other day, if not every day (and sometimes twice a day). I last spoke to him the evening before he was murdered. I will treasure our talks always. Oh how I miss Papa.
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So I had made my decision and began to figure out how to live with it. As God worked it out, I was involved with my first bible study. This group of ladies was all wounded by abusive husbands. I was the only one who had a great husband, but I came from a broken home with similar issues. God did amazing work through His word and the fellowship of those ladies. I began to get to a point where I was OK with the connection my dad and I had at that time. Still not loving it but not hating it either. It wasn't easy, but the healing had begun.
Over the next several years our relationship grew. It was a slow growth. In the mean time Dwayne and I had moved two hours away. It was during this time that my dad and I began to talk more. We were getting to know each other. I also was growing more in my walk with God. I finally got to the point where I forgave my dad. I did not forget the past but completely forgave what happened. It was freeing for me and I haven't looked back. I'm so thankful for God's patience where I would have given up on my dad; God did not give up on me. I began to pray that I someday would have the opportunity to tell my dad that I forgave him.
The opportunity came (God is so good). I will never forget that day. My dad had called me at work. I don't remember why he called but I could tell from our conversation that my opportunity was now. (And I was praying like crazy.) I excused myself from my cubicle office to a conference room for some privacy. It was there that my dad began to be remorseful for his past behavior. Genuinely sorry for being a bad dad. Sorry for all the crummy stuff. Sorry for not being there. Everything. And that's when I told him that I had already forgiven him months ago. We both bawled our eyes out. It was awesome. From that day on we had a new relationship. Not perfect but it was new and fresh. Thank God for forgiveness and new beginnings!
We had a new start. It was good. Then in 2010, my step-mother died from cancer. Though we knew her death was coming, my dad was still devastated. It was difficult for him. I chose to walk with him through his grief as much as I could. It was then that we started talking regularly. We'd talk about anything and everything. He told the best stories. Stories from his military days and his extensive travelling around our great country. He had a dry sense of humor. He told some of the funniest Mexican jokes! He was goofy. He asked how I was doing. He was genuinely interested in what the family was up to. He would ask what we were having for dinner... and usually responded by calculating how much driving time it would take to get here from wherever he was in the country. I enjoyed our talks.
He frequently told me how proud he was of me, Dwayne and the boys. Proud of Dwayne for working on his associate degree in biblical studies. He was impressed that I learned to cook for Connor's food allergies. Proud that we were homeschooling. Telling us that we were doing a good job. He would ask what the boys were learning. He joked that he was our homeschool superintendent. He always told me he loved me. He hated the cell phone when it cut us off and then not have the opportunity to express his love. If we did get cut off, he always called back to say he loved me and then said good-bye until he had a better signal. Always. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he loved me.
Had I not forgiven my dad all those years ago, I would have missed out on so much. In the end, we were talking at least every other day, if not every day (and sometimes twice a day). I last spoke to him the evening before he was murdered. I will treasure our talks always. Oh how I miss Papa.
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It occurred to me while doing this post that I don't have many pictures of me and my dad together.
We both preferred to be behind the camera rather than in front of it.
My dad showing the boys his "office".
Four generations.
1 comment:
Good Job... Dan
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