Say Cheese!

I know it seems crazy to believe but I'm a shutter bug.

I will take a photo of just about anything.

Seriously, I once took a picture of the grease floating in a pot I had soaking with water.

It made the neatest pattern.

I owned a simple point and shoot camera for years.

Even though it was a simple camera it still had a few bells and whistles.

I learned to tinker with the settings.

I was beginning to understand a little more about cameras and photography.

Then my camera died.

I did not get a new camera right away because my smart phone took decent photos.

Deep down I still wanted a good camera. I was just a bit intimidated by the choices.

After some research, we finally took the plunge and bought one.

I was so excited!

I could not wait for it to get here.

In the days waiting for the camera to get here some unexpected sadness crept in.

Seriously?! I was excited and saddened at the same time.

My dad, being an avid photographer, owned a few decent cameras.

Every time I see one, I think of my dad. (Even this photo brings tears to my eyes.)

He would have been so thrilled about my new camera.

We shared a love for photography.

He would tell me which of my photos were his favorites.

He would share shots he had taken...

and the adventures that went along with them.

He would give me advice.

(He repeatedly told me to read the camera's manual.)

Thankfully, I plan on spending more time behind the camera than looking at it.

:)

With that in mind here's some random photos I've taken in the first few days.

I've decided to stick with the auto setting for the time being.

I want to get used to how the camera works before venturing into changing settings.

She wanted me to come out and play...not take a photo.

Silly dog.

There's so much this camera is capable of doing.

I have a lot to learn.

I'm off to read the manual. It has nearly 400 pages!

It might take a while.

Million Little Pieces

It all started with a mouse.

A dead smelly mouse.

That's what prompted us to tear apart our walk-in closet.

The good news is that we found the offending deceased mouse and disposed of it.

Now that has lead to a deep cleaning of said smelly closet.

Upon this sidetracked adventure I decided to open my trunk.

It was a high school graduation present.

It's mostly full of my childhood things that were special to me.

There's a few other odd and end things that have made their way in there too.

I came across a small paper bag full of post cards.

Most of them were ones that I bought over the years.

A few of them, however, were from my dad and step mom.

Six post cards that lead to my heart melting into a million pieces.

My dad and Marilyn drove tandem for a while and they loved it.

I remembered getting these cards in the mail.

And the tears just flowed...

(Actually, the tears started on Thanksgiving and finding these sent me over the edge.

That's OK it's a good cry. I know it's temporary.)

Typically Papa and Marilyn were on the road for several weeks at a time.

Crisscrossing this great country of ours.

That thought wasn't lost on them.

They knew they were seeing many things most people don't get to see.

They loved seeing the different parts of the county.

Royals Stadium.

My dad was a Royals and Chiefs fan.

As a youth he spent many summers in Kansas City with his aunt.

He and I often commiserated on who had the worst team in baseball: Cubs or Royals.

Many years it was a toss up.

It was quite ironic that the Royals won the World Series the year he was killed.

Then the Cubs won the following year.

They loved sharing where they were.

Their job took them all over the place.

Six postcards. Six states.

Montana, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arkansas, Kansas, California.

Post cards.. before the days of email and cell phones.

They told of the weather. One even mentions 7 tornadoes!

They told what they were hauling (I almost always asked).

They hauled everything you can imagine.

One load was candy and another load was 3,500 sweet heart cups.

They hauled everything from ultra fancy toilets to stuffed animals to filter parts to food.

It was always fun to find out what they were hauling.

Third Anniversary

I have such mixed emotions regarding this day. It's the third anniversary of my dad's murder. As I've said before, I don't know what to do with this day. I can't ignore it. I can't forget it. What I can do is choose how I think about it. This time, however, the jury trial has actually happened so that is not hanging in my mind. I didn't blog about it because there's not much to say other than it happened. The murderer was convicted and sentenced to a long time behind bars. I've had people express to me that it must be good to have closure. I'm not sure what that means. There is no "getting over it". I have learned that that statement is not quite accurate. I don't like the phrase "move on" either. That has the "get over it" kind of attitude to it too. I have learned to live with it and that, to me, is moving forward.

The key word being live. So many people experience tragedy or hardship and never step forward again. They're stuck in the "what if's" or "woe is me" or "why me" or whatever. Yes, there is a time for grief and sadness after the shock of something wears off. There is also a time to step forward, move on as most people say. But moving on sounds like leaving something behind or walking away as if nothing happened. Something did happen. Something awful. Something horrific. Something I will never be able to forget. And there are still brief times of grief.

I will, however, choose to look at it from God's perspective. With God's words melded in my mind, it's easier to look at this messed up world. I choose to see the truth that Papa is in heaven with God, as promised to those who believe. I've never gone down the "why didn't God stop this?" road. We live in a sinful world, with sinful people who do sinful acts. As a result we suffer the consequences. None of us are exempt from that. All of us are sinners. As sinners we are all condemned. We are condemned unless we believe that Jesus died in our place for our sin. As a believer, there is a promise of eternity with God. An eternity without sin's effects or punishments. How awesome is that! I do not need to pay a price for my sin, it has already been paid. I do not need to suffer punishment because Jesus suffered for me. He got what was coming to me. I am eternally grateful for His sacrifice! AND IT'S FREE!

To the best of my knowledge, my dad was also a believer. I know I will see him again. None of us knew on this day three years ago that it would be his last. Thank God his soul was ready. Is yours? If you died today would God let you into heaven? It is impossible to do enough good deeds to satisfy a holy God. It is impossible to be religious enough to please the only true God. Going to church will not satisfy God, neither will baptism. If you don't believe, you just got wet. My point is that to avoid condemnation you have to believe that Jesus is who he says he is. He is the perfect son of God who died in your place for your sins, and rose from the dead. Jesus said himself, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me." (John14:6) That's it, there is only one way. Not complicated.  So, if you died today, where would you spend eternity? Are you trusting in your works or His?

For this day, I choose joy.

My joy is based on truth.

The truth of God's saving grace.

That joy cannot be erased, even by murder.

I choose joy.

It Is Well With My Soul

I have always liked that hymn. In light of my dad's death I have a hard time getting through that song. (OK a lot of songs but that's one of the toughest.) I am choosing to write about grief in this post. I'm writing because I know I'm not the only one going through grief, or some other rough patch for that matter. Sometimes there are things that happen that take me by surprise. This is one of them but I know this will pass too. It has been a little over two and a half years since my dad's murder. It takes time to heal. Sometimes it takes a long time. That's OK. Most of the time I'm good. I can talk about my dad, see a truck, even pass a truck stop and it won't bother me one bit. Then there are times where something sparks a memory and it brings about some sadness. Usually it is brief and I choose not to dwell there as I cannot change what happened. This time, however, it came completely out of the blue and shook me. At first it was a shock. Then it sank in a gripped me. Not fun. I don't like being there.

The other day we were sharing some good news about one of the boys. I was mentally going through the people we called and making sure we covered everyone. That's when it happened. I absently minded thought to call my dad so he could know too. I wasn't even thinking about him. Nor was I thinking that he would have liked to have known, if he was alive. I haven't had a spontaneous urge to call my dad in a long time. It brought up such pain and sorrow. Not to mention that I get frustrated by the sadness. When I get to these seasons, everything seems to set it off. It was also frustrating because it's not like I was dwelling on it or trying to hang on to something I can't have. It was totally out of the blue. So for this short season the tears will come. And it's OK.

I know it's temporary. I also know that God is here with me as each tear falls. He's here with every sob that comes from deep within. I take comfort in the fact that God never changes. God isn't some hopeful idea. He is real. God does not forget His promises. There is an eternity in heaven for those who believe that Jesus died in our place for our sins and rose from the grave. It's so simple. Christ alone. Nothing else. Don't take my word for it. The Bible said it, not me.

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him. He who believes in Him is not judged; he who does not believe has been judged already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God."
John 3:16-18

Upon belief every believer is sealed with a permanent seal. Nothing can separate you from God. Nothing. And someday, one day, there will be no more pain, no more suffering, no more sorrow. Sin in any form causes pain. Someday there will be  no more sin. Someday there will be no more death. How awesome that will be!

It is well with my soul because it's not condemned any longer. I believe that Jesus died in my place to pay for my sin. He paid the penalty in my place. I did absolutely nothing to deserve it. It was a free gift and all I had to do was believe.

When my dad woke up that fateful morning of August 27, 2015 he had no idea it was his last morning on earth. To the best of my knowledge, he was a believer. So it was well with his soul when he met God that day.

You have no idea when your last breath will be. It could be today or it could be years from now. I must ask, is it well with your soul?

The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,

For His compassions never fail;

They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

Christmas

We had a very nice Christmas this year. Low key just how we like it.

We had a beautiful snowfall perfect for Christmas morning.

(Pretty time is over, the snow can leave now...)

We had a great visit with my mom.

We were thankful the snow stayed away until after our visit.

It was nice of the snow to do that.

It's not the greatest picture but it's Pepper on her new warming blanket.

We moved it to her doghouse the next morning.

For Christmas morning I made Grandma Schultz's cinnamon rolls.

I finally got them right!

Someone was excited to get Jim Carrey's Christmas Carol.

Oh look, more books on writing.

We also got him a book on writing fight scenes.

You need something to use those weapons for...

That would be Connor's itty bitty flash light that is from his new knife.

And yes, there's a stuffed duckling stuck beside his face.

I took the boys roller skating.

I brought along my hand quilting project to do in the snack area.

As much as I love quilting, I would have loved to have skated with the boys.

My foot is slowly returning to normal... very slowly.

Someday I'll be able to put my skates on again.

Sorry for the fuzzy picture.

He was squatting not falling.

The last several years the boys have not exchanged gifts with their cousins.

We have done an activity instead.

This year we went bowling and had a blast.

OK, I watched and the rest bowled but it was still fun.

Spare!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a nice several days with food, family, and play time. I was hoping I would escape this holiday season without having a major mourning moment. I made it all the way to the evening before Christmas Eve. Then I fell apart for a short time that lingered into Sunday morning worship. I had a couple of sad moments before then but not the onslaught of tears like this time around. I'm pretty sure it was the predicted snowfall that triggered memories with my dad on Christmas Eve. I should have expected it. It's part of life. It's good to have good memories of a missed Papa.

Again

It comes around once a year just like every other day in the calendar. August 27th. This day marks the second year since the murder of my father. I don't know what to do with this day. Try as I might, it won't go away. I can't ignore it nor can I forget it. It is painful. There is sadness and grief. It created a scar that will never completely go away. It's not something you get over or move on from. It's something I have learned to live with.

The grief is heavy today. Well, all week leading up to today if I'm going to be completely honest. (Thankfully, my prayer warriors are there for me.) I try my best to choose to remember how much my dad loved me and not how he died. I still ache to talk to him. I miss his laugh and his quirky dry humor. I have a recording of him reading from the book of Isaiah. Someday I'm going to muster enough strength to listen to it. Just not today.

I was also hoping to have the trial behind as well. That was not meant to be. I still have several months of waiting for that to happen. Someday, I'm hoping, earthly justice will take its course. It's just excruciatingly slow.

Today I'm choosing not to dwell on the horrors of this day. It's far easier to say than do. It took a long time to get through the fog of when it first happened. I still get that foggy feeling every now and then but it doesn't last long. I know this pain is temporary. The Bible tells us to think on Godly things. I sometimes need to remind myself of that. We humans tend to let our minds wander. That's probably why God put those reminders in his word. I remind myself of how much I need God and his word. I can't imagine going through this and not having God with me. How do people do that? I'm so thankful for the one true living God whose love knows no bounds. Who loved me before I was. Who loved me before I committed my first sin. Who loved me before I knew him. Who loved me when I was an enemy. Who loved me enough to willingly let his innocent son be brutally murdered for my sins. Who loved me enough to satisfy the penalty for sin. It was his blood, not mine that made me clean. All anyone has to do is believe. Only a holy, just, and loving God could and would do that. I rejoice in the truth of his love. His love has such depths that I cannot fully comprehend it. I'd rather focus on that than anything else. What an amazing God he is!

And because I don't like picture-less blog posts.

Here's Pepper.

My dad usually asked what kind of mischief our goofy dog was up to.

This time she was just trying to take a nap.

So We Wait

Once again I was supposed to be in Texas to attend the jury trial.

Once again it's been postponed.

Once again we have to wait longer.

As if the almost two years since the murder wasn't enough.

So we wait.

Going, not going, going, not going in such a short amount of time was taxing on our minds.

I'm kind of glad the reschedule is in several months instead of several weeks,

even though it means waiting longer.

The new date is in January.

We can almost do normal family things without thinking about getting ready for me to leave.

Don't get me wrong.

It's still hard.

We can temporarily put our focus on other things.

We can enjoy some of the silly things that life throws our way.

Like these two ornery chickens that still won't stay off the porch.

This is one drawback of teaching your dog not to harm the chickens and ducks.

She lets them hang around on the porch... even drink out of her water bowl!

Being silly in the doctor's waiting room.

We ended up laughing so hard we had tears.

It's good to laugh.

It's the best medicine.

Camp

Connor and I spent last week at Checkpoint Bible Camp.

It was our fifth year.

Dwayne stayed home due to his bad foot.

Nolan chose to help on the farm for the week.

He says next year he'd like to try being a CIT (counselor in training).

Since Dwayne wasn't going to be there I opted to stay in a cabin rather than our tent.

Last year I volunteered to do snack drop since I take care of the special food needs.

This year I had a new helper.

Not a single snack drop went as it was supposed to (and it wasn't my fault - honest!).

However we laughed till our sides hurt every single time.

Something that should have been so simple turned into an adventure every day.

This was one of the times we were retrieving empty boxes...

at least that was the goal.

More mishaps and more giggles but all was well in the end.

Did you know that driving a golf cart is gentle and a Gator is not? They don't go slow!

No trees, kids, carts, Gators or snacks were harmed in the delivery of snacks.

I didn't take many pictures this year.

I didn't even go watch any of Connor's activities.

This was his first year in middle school camp.

He did awesome and he loved it.

The week went by very fast.

I was hoping to escape the realities of my world for a little while.

I did for the most part.

Halfway through the week I got my travel itinerary for the trial in Texas.

That sent my emotions in turmoil for a short while.

I didn't stay there long.

A few people knew about the trial and they were praying for me.

Staying in God's word helped too.

And puppies!!!

Everybody needs puppy therapy now and then.

These are basset hounds.

I had never seen any colors besides the normal kind.

This one was my favorite.

The coloring was called lemonade and ice.

They were four weeks old and hadn't been walking long.

They were more like drunken sailors.

(The "normal" colored puppy above was 12 weeks old.)

A basket full of light colored basset hounds.

This gentleman has been bringing puppies to camp for a few years.

The kids and adults alike love the puppies.

That's the camp report for this year.

Waiting

So I was supposed to be in Texas this week. I was supposed to be sitting in a courtroom listening to the trial of the man who murdered my father. I was quite a mess late last week in the days leading up to my planned departure. Then we got the call that the trial was postponed again. It was so close this time. Now we wait. I admit that I was somewhat relieved to learn that the trial wasn't taking place this week. A sense of relief to not have to go through what I anticipate will be a fairly awful thing. However, it is still coming. I think the dry run has me slightly better prepared for when it does actually take place. But how does one prepare for a murder trial? Unless you're a lawyer, you don't. As a relative of the victim of a horrible crime, you try desperately to mentally prepare yourself to go through it again... in more detail. Dragging up feelings I've dealt with already. Pain unimaginable from someone doing the unthinkable to another human being. Causing such pain that shock is the body's natural response. It takes a while to move through that. It takes time to get through the fog that seems to cover everything.

One thing that rises above everything is God. He has remained the same. He is there every step of the way. Carrying me when I can no longer stand on my own. Hearing my heart cry. I have grown in His love. A love that is deeper than my pea brain can comprehend. A love that died for a people he created who choose to lie, steal, cheat, hate, murder, you name it. We sin against fellow man. We sin against a God who is pure, holy, jealous, just, and righteous, to name a few. And yet he tenderly loves us enough to pay for our wrongs and make us pure again. All we need to do is believe that he died for us and rose again. That's it. No more, no less. Just believe. That is what brings me joy in the midst of something so horrible. He made me pure in His sight. That doesn't take away the pain of this world. It does make the pain temporary. God wins in the end. Sin loses. There is hope in God and His word in the mean time. Those times when I cannot bear the sorrows any more I go running to His word. It brings comfort I cannot explain. I just wonder why I don't run there first sometimes. Given all that is going on right now, I can honestly say I'm doing OK. It's not easy but I know I'm not alone.

I don't like making a post without a picture.

This is the hand pieced hexagon table runner I've been working on.

I plan to take it with me on the plane.

Remembering

I'm remembering two things today.

Today marks three years since I had my brain surgery.

I'm still incredibly grateful for all God has done and continues to do.

I do not want to miss an opportunity to thank God.

Especially today.

And of course, it's Father's Day.

I'm remembering my dad today.

The pain isn't quite as sharp today but it still hurts deeply.

Today is hard as I endure the second Father's Day without him.

I still miss him terribly.

So today I'll shed tears as I remember

his laugh,

our long talks.

and his silly jokes.

I don't have many pictures of my dad.

I found this one that I really like.

It's my dad and his dad.

They have such great smiles in this picture.

That's what I want to remember today.

My dad's great smile.

Mother's Day

I had a very nice Mother's Day.

It was more like a weekend than just one day.

On Saturday the boys treated me to lunch at the park.

Then we went to a farm store for a little shopping.

Connor got me some new garden tools.

On Sunday, Nolan and Dwayne mowed while Connor weeded my north flower bed.

I attempted to work on a quilt top but it was too nice outside to be inside.

I'll finish it eventually.

Dwayne and I got ice cream later in the afternoon and

sat by the fountain at the college (or former college).

It was a very nice Mother's Day with a beautiful blue sky.

If I'm honest, however, I'll tell you that a chunk of my day was in tears.

As I got ready for church that morning the loss of my dad hit me.

It seemed like I spent the rest of the morning mourning.

Not how I planned to spend Mother's Day.

I remembered the times when I had talked with my dad on Mother's Day.

Oh how I miss that.

 Eventually I came around and the tears were no more.

I get frustrated sometimes when the mourning hits.

Dwayne always reminds me that this is just part of it.

I'm thankful they're are fewer days like that.

The Map

This is really a post about the one year mark of my dad's murder. It's been quite a year. A tough year. I wasn't sure if I'd make a post or not. I decided it was more for me than anyone else. Sharing my thoughts and feelings as I process them. Originally I had other ideas for this post but this is what came out when I actually sat down to write.

At first some of the days leading up to this one were filled with tears as I looked back a year. I looked back and cried realizing that last year I was unknowingly talking with my dad for the last times. I have no regrets. I enjoyed our talks. All that was needed to be said was said. It does hurt less and the scar remains. Just like my brain surgery scar, I carry it with me though no one can see it. I can still feel both. Only those who know me know the tragedy that took place. It's something you see in the news and move on. But it became my reality. It's a harsh reality to just blurt to someone. Only in the right circumstances do I choose to tell. I don't share it for attention. That's not me. I don't usually share it unless the story and how God worked me through it can help someone.

For years I wanted to track my dad's travels. He was in every one of the 48 contiguous states. He had stories from the East Coast, West Coast, Montana, Florida, and all the states between. I tried using a notebook and writing down where he was and when. I would always forget after a while. I really wanted to get a good map and follow his travels that way but I didn't want to spend money on a map. However, last year for our homeschool we were going to be studying U.S. geography. The perfect excuse to buy a good map. So I did.

Unfortunately, because we weren't starting school for a couple of weeks, I didn't put it up right away.

I only have five spots marked.

They are the blue ones.

The pink tags are from our studies during the year.

Basically, I got six days worth of my dad's travelling.

As you can see, most of it was in Texas that week.

Colorado

It's not just the day he died that has me in tears.

It's this day too.

This was the last time I spoke with my dad.

He was in Laredo, Texas.

Thursday, August 27th was a normal day for us. We went for a walk down the road and played in the yard. We went to bed as usual that evening. Sometime after midnight we awoke to red and blue flashing lights filling our bedroom with their obnoxiously bright colors. The dog was barking like crazy. We went out to the porch to see what was going on. The officer asked for me by name and then asked if I knew my dad. In that split second before the officer spoke again, I thought my dad had been in a horrific accident. We always knew that was a hazard of driving long haul. Even though my dad had a great driving record, the possibility was still there. But the next words out of the officer's mouth were surreal. He basically said something happened and my dad didn't make it. (I'm not sharing exactly what he said due to the impending trial.) He gave me a piece of paper and some instructions. Even after the officer left, I asked Dwayne if that really just happened. I was in complete shock. Then I had to make phone calls that no one should ever have to make. To my family and a detective. So unbelievable.

The blank tag. While I was on the phone with the detective, he described to me where it happened. That's the mark. South of Belton, Texas. It's so near where I once lived when I was a little girl. My dad was stationed at Fort Hood in Killeen.

How does one grasp the reality of something horrific like this? It all boils down to sin. How does one move forward? This, to me, is a conscious effort. You have to choose your attitude. You have to choose to take one step at a time. And you can't do it alone. It will eat you up. I know, I got about six hours of sleep the first four days after my dad's murder. But I learned. I learned so much while pouring over the Scriptures at 2 A.M. Looking back, I wouldn't trade the sleep for that time with my awesome God. I learned many lessons that early morning.

During this year I have continued to learn so much. (I knew these things but now they are more concrete than ever.) I learned that God is there. Without fail. All the time. Every time. The loathsomeness of sin. The loathsomeness of my own sin. The depth of God's love. He is the only one who knows my thoughts and my heart. And He still chose to die for me paying the penalty for my sin. He knows my deepest hurts and my greatest joys. There is nothing He can't handle. After all, He created everything so how could there ever be anything to surprise Him? King David was one of the greatest examples of someone who told God everything. Even in the midst of the shame of his own sin he humbled himself and spilled his guts to the God above. He also rejoiced greatly before God without caring what anyone else thought. That same God is still there. I  am the one who has changed. I have learned so much in this last year. About my relationship with my God, my spouse, my family. I have learned that I need to be in God's word far more than I am now. His Word is precious to me. It speaks of life. It speaks of an eternal future without sin. Without sickness. Without death. Without murder. A future with the Light and not darkness. No pain. No suffering. Just God Almighty. Amen.