The Map

This is really a post about the one year mark of my dad's murder. It's been quite a year. A tough year. I wasn't sure if I'd make a post or not. I decided it was more for me than anyone else. Sharing my thoughts and feelings as I process them. Originally I had other ideas for this post but this is what came out when I actually sat down to write.

At first some of the days leading up to this one were filled with tears as I looked back a year. I looked back and cried realizing that last year I was unknowingly talking with my dad for the last times. I have no regrets. I enjoyed our talks. All that was needed to be said was said. It does hurt less and the scar remains. Just like my brain surgery scar, I carry it with me though no one can see it. I can still feel both. Only those who know me know the tragedy that took place. It's something you see in the news and move on. But it became my reality. It's a harsh reality to just blurt to someone. Only in the right circumstances do I choose to tell. I don't share it for attention. That's not me. I don't usually share it unless the story and how God worked me through it can help someone.

For years I wanted to track my dad's travels. He was in every one of the 48 contiguous states. He had stories from the East Coast, West Coast, Montana, Florida, and all the states between. I tried using a notebook and writing down where he was and when. I would always forget after a while. I really wanted to get a good map and follow his travels that way but I didn't want to spend money on a map. However, last year for our homeschool we were going to be studying U.S. geography. The perfect excuse to buy a good map. So I did.

Unfortunately, because we weren't starting school for a couple of weeks, I didn't put it up right away.

I only have five spots marked.

They are the blue ones.

The pink tags are from our studies during the year.

Basically, I got six days worth of my dad's travelling.

As you can see, most of it was in Texas that week.

Colorado

It's not just the day he died that has me in tears.

It's this day too.

This was the last time I spoke with my dad.

He was in Laredo, Texas.

Thursday, August 27th was a normal day for us. We went for a walk down the road and played in the yard. We went to bed as usual that evening. Sometime after midnight we awoke to red and blue flashing lights filling our bedroom with their obnoxiously bright colors. The dog was barking like crazy. We went out to the porch to see what was going on. The officer asked for me by name and then asked if I knew my dad. In that split second before the officer spoke again, I thought my dad had been in a horrific accident. We always knew that was a hazard of driving long haul. Even though my dad had a great driving record, the possibility was still there. But the next words out of the officer's mouth were surreal. He basically said something happened and my dad didn't make it. (I'm not sharing exactly what he said due to the impending trial.) He gave me a piece of paper and some instructions. Even after the officer left, I asked Dwayne if that really just happened. I was in complete shock. Then I had to make phone calls that no one should ever have to make. To my family and a detective. So unbelievable.

The blank tag. While I was on the phone with the detective, he described to me where it happened. That's the mark. South of Belton, Texas. It's so near where I once lived when I was a little girl. My dad was stationed at Fort Hood in Killeen.

How does one grasp the reality of something horrific like this? It all boils down to sin. How does one move forward? This, to me, is a conscious effort. You have to choose your attitude. You have to choose to take one step at a time. And you can't do it alone. It will eat you up. I know, I got about six hours of sleep the first four days after my dad's murder. But I learned. I learned so much while pouring over the Scriptures at 2 A.M. Looking back, I wouldn't trade the sleep for that time with my awesome God. I learned many lessons that early morning.

During this year I have continued to learn so much. (I knew these things but now they are more concrete than ever.) I learned that God is there. Without fail. All the time. Every time. The loathsomeness of sin. The loathsomeness of my own sin. The depth of God's love. He is the only one who knows my thoughts and my heart. And He still chose to die for me paying the penalty for my sin. He knows my deepest hurts and my greatest joys. There is nothing He can't handle. After all, He created everything so how could there ever be anything to surprise Him? King David was one of the greatest examples of someone who told God everything. Even in the midst of the shame of his own sin he humbled himself and spilled his guts to the God above. He also rejoiced greatly before God without caring what anyone else thought. That same God is still there. I  am the one who has changed. I have learned so much in this last year. About my relationship with my God, my spouse, my family. I have learned that I need to be in God's word far more than I am now. His Word is precious to me. It speaks of life. It speaks of an eternal future without sin. Without sickness. Without death. Without murder. A future with the Light and not darkness. No pain. No suffering. Just God Almighty. Amen.